This 'Benevolent Anarchy' Of Ours

 I almost didn't even go.  There's an old joke (well, lots of old jokes) in The Program: if you want a quick meeting ask for the 6th/7th step.  Quicker still, ask for a tradition.  But my friend Kevin had been asked to give the lead at this closed discussion meeting and so I went with a couple of his sponsees to support him.  That, and Kevin always has a great message.  I was curious to see what he would do with the 4th Tradition ('Each group should be autonomous except in matters affecting other groups or A.A. as a whole.')

 We read from the 12 & 12, all 3.5 pages of it.  Kevin talked about the tradition for about 15 minutes (skipping his bio, and/or any drunkalogue, open talk angle almost entirely).  It was a great share, and I could've listened on for quite a while longer.  I love the technical bits of AA, the history, the social dynamics.  All that geeky stuff.  I, Shocker!, tend to overthink things.

There were at least 50 AAs attending this meeting, seated theater style.  The regulars are pretty aggressive about getting their shares in and if you want to speak you really have to jump right in.  In all the times I've been there there have been about three quiet lulls.  Anything I might share usually gets said anyway, so I usually just listen.  There was a lot of talk about the word (and idea of) autonomy.  About tolerance regarding religion and other addictions.  I hadn't read the chapter itself in years probably and was musing on the idea of Middleton #1 (the failed MegaChurchesque recovery facility) and rule #62 ('Don't take yourself so damn seriously'). 

In the end I kept the share to myself.  It seemed others needed to speak more.  When I do this I sometimes come home and write them out.  I call these 'pearls', and I give them back online in this blog.  The ideas always find their way to a table not long after, too. God has a lot of channels.

I had a flashback to couple years into my recovery when I first read about the idea of AA as 'a benevolent anarchy'.  I think it was in (oddly enough) the book of spiritual awakening stories 'Came To Believe'.  Being somewhat of a punk rock sort of guy I took to the phrase immediately.  And it made all kinds of sense.  We don't have any hard and fast rules, yet we all get along.  How?

A few weeks later I went to a concert with an old highschool friend, a civilian (a 'normie', or 'earthling') who was going through a rough divorce.  We almost always wound up talking some kind of spirituality, which inevitably led back to my recovery and the program.  I try to never gush about this stuff unless it's germane to the discussion.  My friend was curious about the 'structure' of the fellowship and I brought up the benevolent anarchy model/concept.  He was confused and asked, 'doesn't that just lead to a roomful of madmen, everyone shouting, demanding their way?'.

I had to think about that.  No, it doesn't, but why?  I think at the time all I had was the phenomenon that in AA everyone wants everyone else to succeed.  All winners, no losers.  That overrides all else, egos etc. are for the most part left out in the cars.   What I know now, after a few more years in this joyous Cosa Nostra, is that all matters of politics and organization/unorganization are governed by the 2nd Tradition ('For our group purpose there is but one ultimate authority-a loving God, as He might express Himself in our group conscience...').  I have seen this work in real life, in real time (sometimes quickly, sometimes slowly), as solid and real as well worn key in a familiar lock.  It works in group business meetings and in slightly heated discussions in offline meetings after the meetings.  In the end we all realize we must maintain Unity through Autonomy.  Yet another paradox! And this is true at all levels: personal, group, regional.

I have a deep passion and gratitude for this fellowship.  I gladly assume responsibility for as much service to it as I can handle.  But like nature has Her laws (i.e. evolution), so do we.  And some groups occasionally die and close.  Sometimes we have to come to terms with this unpleasant fact.  We have to love it enough to allow it to fail.  Much like my family did in the Summer of 2008, leading me to this, my Better Way of Life.

Open Talk Reprieve

 So I spend the whole day reflecting, worrying, scheming about this open talk.  What should I say? What shouldn't I say?  Should I invite my girlfriend/fiance'? And the boy?  I've been to probably around 100 talks so far, seen incredibly moving to so-so. Only one that was remotely bad, and it was at this meeting.  A real rush job, disorganized, last minute fill-in (about 1 of 3 here is a last minute due to no-shows).  Most come in just on time.  Perfect, like their personal adventures before and after were tailor-made for the 50 minute slot.  Quite a few more than I would expect wrap it up in 20-25 minutes.  I figure I've got about 4-5 hours of sheer brilliance to share.

I decide to maybe do some writing to get warmed up, rev up the memories and emotions.  That was when I started this journal.  The more I thought the deeper it got.  In the end with time ran out and the boy (her/our 11 year old son) came home from school.  So I figured it best just to do page of bullet points in my notebook and put the rest in God's basket.  Four pages later I was done. 

I had time to dilly, dally and hang with my woman for a few after she got home from work, made an Americano to go and headed South.  As I rounded the last block to the church I saw the sillouette of a cat run across the road 100 yards ahead of me.  I wondered to myself if it was a black cat.  Then I remembered I live with a black cat who not only crosses my path numerous times daily but also sleeps on me.

As I approached the chairperson waved me aside.  There's been a hitch she explained.  The usual booking person wasn't there last week when I got tagged and he asked someone last week who's from out of town to speak tonight and would I mind bumping back a week?  Of course not.  Nevermind that as the speaker opened she mentioned she hadn't been asked to do the talk just a couple hours before.  Honest mistake or KISMET, makes no matter to me.

The talk wrapped, I thanked the speaker and we did the Lord's prayer.  I chatted with a buddy for a few and headed back North with another week to torture myself and revel in the Grace that this program has given me.

One Year of Continuous Sobriety

The purpose of this blog/journal is to serve as a vent, an outlet, a scratchpad for thoughts and feelings that don't fit in my mainstream 'normal' blog-the one for the 'pinks' in subgenius lingo.

A lot of what I write here may not be popular at some tables and/or hard to explain to pinkfolk, whether due to 12 step references or it being too spiritually off-putting or whatever. Lord knows, like so many of us I used to cringe at the S-Word, the G-Word, the J-Word, etc. All before the concept of a user-customizable Higher Power was explained to me and finally sunk in.

Last week I went to one of my usual meetings, a weekly Monday night open talk. They were celebrating anniversaries and I had just had my one year re-birthday. I humbly accepted my coin (in my pocket as I write now), and when they (inevitably) asked, 'How'd you do it?' I answered, 'How did I do it? It wasn't just me. There was a whole lotta WE going on. So, that. And Love. And Prayer.

Toward the end of the talk I drifted off a bit and reflected on the Service part of the program's trinity. I have yet to volunteer for any duty (coffee making, etc), telling myself I wouldn't want to make a commitment I couldn't keep for a month (because of possible conflicts with work, family life, etc., forgetting ALL about the One Day at a Time principle). Just as I remembered that at one year clean I am eligible to man the helpline at HQ and got very excited at that prospect I was brought back into the room by the speaker, Josie: "Hey! is it David is it? You got a year, right? well, the speaker has to pick the next speaker, so I'm picking you!".

There are no coincidences. Everything happens for a reason. Rinse. Repeat.

So, that's where I'm off to tonight. To do my first open talk. I'm not nervous. Yet. I usually suffer from a mild fear of running out of things to say. Tonight I'm wondering how to keep it under Five hours.